You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
