Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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