so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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