so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Someone shattered a urinal.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Text me some of your sweat
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