You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
