mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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