Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize