...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
