Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
