Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
