Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
