i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
