dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
