Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
