I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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