I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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