Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
