my soul wont recognize me after tonight
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
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