please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
