one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
