is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
