Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
