i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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