Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Randomize