i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
