It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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