my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
