I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
