If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
