I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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