I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
