it was like his penis was on wheels.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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