All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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