i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
