i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
