I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
