your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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