It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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