Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
