if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
