carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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