In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
