He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
