I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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