I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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