Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
