Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
