I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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