I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
