I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They took my balls.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
