I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
A bitchslap is in order.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
