i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
