He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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