Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
